Québec Wants To Preserve The French Language, I Want To Destroy It


The Office québécois de la langue française (OQLF), or the Québec Board of the French Language, is a public organization established in the province on March 24, 1961. Part of its initial mission was to “work on the normalization of the language in Québec and support state intervention to carry out a global language policy that would consider notably the importance of socio-economic motivations in making French the priority language in Québec.”[1]

I find this unacceptable. French should stay in France! Québec is in Canada so they should be speaking CANADIAN! As someone who got their education in linguistics from body building forums, this deeply saddens and offends me. That's why I've taken it upon myself to pledge to destroy the French language and restore peace to the world.

Now, I'm not an unreasonable person, I know I'm not going to be able to stop French people speaking French, climate change will do that for me. But I must stop non French people from learning French. How you ask? Well let me tell you.

Première Partie: De-legitimise the French Language

A very simple misinformation campaign condemning French should do the trick. We've seen this strategy used by the CCP in China to attack Hong Kong by reporting that speaking Cantonese can cause nasal and sinus cancer.[2]

We could taken even more work from China when a group from the First China International Frontier Education Summit "concluded that English [and all other Western languages] is actually a Chinese dialect".[3] This revolutionary discovery supported by HARD EVIDENCE completely invalidates French as it's just a worse version of Mandarin.

Part Deux: Stop All French Cultural Exports

When I was a boy, I went to the baker to buy a baguette because it was the only bread that reminded me of a dick. I didn't expect to finish it as I don't eat very much and it was pretty big, but I ate the entire thing in an afternoon completely by itself. This is why I learnt French and I'm sure it's many other people's reason too.

France has shipped US$568.4 billion worth of goods around the globe in 2018.[4] This is terrible if we want people to think France is the worst. That is at least OVER 600 baguettes!!


The big issue here is that I don't know how to get around this. How do am I, someone only armed with a dream, supposed to stop this? I know I said I would let climate change take care of France but that was only because I don't have any nukes. Unless…?

Part Trois: Become World Leader

Unfortunately, wikiHow doesn't have a article on becoming a world leader so I'm kinda in the dark here. However, I've thought of a loophole! Do you remember this famous quote from the book Dune: "He who controls the spice controls the universe"? Herbert was of course referencing to LATE-STAGE CAPITALISM.


All we need to do is become part of the bourgeoisie and now we control the world! My personal favourite way of becoming rich is exploiting the environment so much that the Earth will eventually become uninhabitable.

Great! Now that we have a monopoly on the toilet paper industry and more money than every country in the EU combined, we can continue our plan.

Part Quatre: Bye Bye France

While researching the most comfortable toilet paper material, we built a nuclear fission plant (for tax evasion purposes of course) in Zimbabwe (so we can exploit poor people). With our new knowledge we can build nukes and… you know were this is going.

Au revoir France.

Part Cinq: We're Not Done Yet

With French being an extinct language, you can be sure some pesky linguist from the future is going to try and re-discover it. We can't let this happen!

Apparently, technology is a big player in helping to decipher dead languages.[5] So the easy solution here would be to just destroy all technology by nuking the rest of the world. Fortunately for us, since we destroyed so much of the environment already, there's no way for humans to ever create the machines needed to reach this point ever again!


Now we can sit back in our Mars habitat (for rich people only) and watch a new Earth grateful it has been rid of the French language. Go suck a baguette Québec.

[1]: http://bilan.usherbrooke.ca/bilan/pages/evenements/1419.html

[2]: https://twitter.com/BeWaterHKG/status/1171156739493961728?s=20

[3]: https://shanghai.ist/2019/09/05/this-group-of-scholars-have-concluded-that-english-is-actually-a-chinese-dialect

[4]: http://www.worldstopexports.com/frances-top-10-exports/

[5]: http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20181207-how-ai-could-help-us-with-ancient-languages-like-sumerian